Rhamnusia
by Seronte
Summary: What happens when Perry stakes out Doof at a nightclub? (Human!AU Perryshmirtz)


Perry's first impression: it was dark, and noisy.

What Perry thought of the nightclub, however, didn't matter: he was here on a mission.

Since Dr. Doofenshmirtz seldom schemed at night, OWCA had a tendency to be especially suspicious of any nighttime activities. Thus, it was well after midnight when Perry was unpleasantly awoken with an emergency call from his wrist communicator to head to the new Rhamnusia nightclub in downtown Danville and find out what Doofenshmirtz was up to.

Peering around the bodies writhing in time to the pulsating beat of the club's music, Perry noticed that someone had apparently been unable to walk the seven additional feet that would have allowed them to throw up in the bathroom instead of on the club's polished floor.

Correction: Rhamnusia was dark, noisy, and DISGUSTING.

Adjusting the star frames of his glasses against the sporadic flashes of neon lights, Perry decided to look for his nemesis in another area of the club, preferably in an area without speakers. Scanning the room, he noticed that the only place in the club that seemed to be devoid of speakers was the dimly-lit bar in the back.

Checking the surrounding bodies as he moved towards his destination, Perry wondered how he was supposed to find Doofenshmirtz amid such a shadowed throng and what the scientist was even plotting in a place like this.

Once he arrived at the bar, Perry noticed that there were no seats, perhaps in an attempt to encourage the club's patrons to mingle on the dance floor or because the club was so new that they hadn't been installed yet.

Having driven in his OWCA commissioned hovercar and not being the best at holding his liquor, Perry simply signaled the bartender for a glass of water. As the young woman left to restock the bar's supply of sparkling water, Perry noticed a distinct yet familiar silhouette standing on the other end of the counter.

After a quick double take, Perry confirmed that the long nose and messy hair indeed belonged to his nemesis. Unfortunately, that meant he was far too close for proper surveillance.

Instead of moving, however, Perry continued staring at Doofenshmirtz. It was rare that he'd seen the man without his signature lab coat, and the sight was strange yet somehow arresting.

As though he'd felt the pair of eyes on him, Doofenshmirtz suddenly turned and met Perry's glance.

Perry quickly turned away, but the sharp motion caused his ill-fitting glasses to fly off his face and skitter onto the dance floor.

Walking out to retrieve them, Perry watched helplessly as they were crushed underfoot by the gyrating dancers.

Perfect.

Inclining his head slightly, he saw in his peripheral vision that Doofenshmirtz was still looking at him.

Though the scientist had never caught on to any of his disguises before, Perry nevertheless popped up his collar as high as it would go to try and hide his identity.

"Hey, you!"

Unwilling to begin an altercation with so many bystanders nearby, Perry froze with uncertainty at Doofenshmirtz's call.

"Yeah, you! Sorry about your glasses—they looked fabulous, by the way— but, hey, how about a drink? On me. Well, not actually ON ME: i've been told that's just an expression."

Perry realized that, miraculously, Doofenshmirtz hadn't recognized him, but he could hardy accept such an invitation from his nemesis, right? It would be entirely unprofessional.

"…So is that a no, then? I get it: why would a guy like you want to even be seen with a guy like me? It's cool, really. I'm used to it."

Perry sighed in resignation as he turned around and headed back to the bar.

This was a very, very bad idea.

"Ah, so you decided to join me? That's great! I've been here for, like, an hour already and you're the first person w-who….ehe, um, anyway, what drink do you want?"

Perry shook his head in answer and gestured towards the bartender who was returning with a tall, glass bottle of sparkling water.

"Oh, you already ordered something. Ooh, is that San Pellegrino? Fancy!"

Perry shrugged as he paid the bartender. He normally didn't drink sparkling water because of its carbonation, but the bar didn't appear to have anything else.

"I don't usually come to places like this, but I figured 'what the hey, it's Saturday night and it's not like I have any plans' and here I am."

Upon hearing this new piece of information, Perry gave a start. So this wasn't part of any scheme?

"Yeah, i'm a-a scientist of sorts, so I don't usually have the time to get away from all the plot—er, I mean, planning. Of experiments. Yeah. Anyway, you look like a pretty well-built guy; what's your angle?"

At this, Perry began coughing violently to clear the San Pellegrino that had gone down his windpipe.

"Whoa! Hey, are you okay? I was just wondering if you were a bodyguard or a model or something since office workers aren't usually so fit— not that you don't look intelligent or anything, because you totally do! I mean, this lighting isn't the best, but—"

Doofenshmirtz paused as Perry's coughing fit seemed to worsen.

"O-oh, man, you're really red! I would say 'drink some water,' but in this situation I don't think it would help."

The last of the water clearing his pharynx, Perry made a waving motion to signal that he was fine despite sounding as though he'd just coughed up a lung. While he was taking deep breaths to compose himself, Perry could feel Doofenshmirtz staring at him again.

"Hey, I just noticed: is your hair….teal?"

Perry turned, ready to whip out his fedora from his back pocket, but Doofenshmirtz merely looked inquisitive rather than accusatory.

He nodded.

"I thought so! It's funny, I only know one other person with teal hair: this guy from….work. Maybe you know him? Not that I think teal-haired people all know each other or anything, but you gotta admit it's a pretty unusual hair color."

Perry shook his head. Though this technically was no longer a mission, he felt that it would be unwise to reveal himself at this point.

"Yeah, I didn't think so. But, hey, you both really know how to make it work! I've read Handsome and Symmetrical Magazine: I know what's what."

Doofenshmirtz raised an eyebrow and grinned at Perry, who immediately looked down. Eyeing Doofenshmirtz's glass as the bartender refilled it, Perry wondered how many drinks he'd had.

"You know, I think I might have some pictures in my wallet! Let's see…"

Perry felt heat rise to the tips of his ears as his nemesis began feeling around in his pockets for his wallet, his own picture-wallet feeling as though it was burning a hole in his pocket.

Did he do this often? Show people pictures of him? He hoped not.

Perry pressed a button on the side of his wrist communicator that switched its interface to display time.

Two-thirty a.m.

It had been nearly two hours since Perry had first arrived at the club, and he was still there.

Doofenshmirtz wasn't scheming anything, and he was still there.

"Hmm, I may have left my wallet at home."

"Excuse me, sir?"

Both men looked at the bartender, who was frowning at Doofenshmirtz.

"Does that mean you won't be able to pay your tab?"

Two burly bouncers appeared from nearby to stand menacingly behind the scientist, whose normal hunch quickly converted into a cower.

On reflex, Perry shifted into a fighting stance.

"N-no, no! See, I still have money, just not my wallet!"

As Doofenshmirtz settled his tab with the bartender, one of the bouncers noticed Perry's stance.

"What, were you going to do something if we roughed up Pinocchio a bit, half-pint?" the man jeered, nudging his co-worker with his elbow.

Perry relaxed his stance, but glowered darkly at the two men.

"You ignoring us?" the first bouncer said as he roughly grabbed Perry's shoulder.

Perry grinned: while he didn't approve of fighting civilians, self-defense was another matter.  
_

"Well, there's another place i'm never welcome in ever again. At least it wasn't an entire country this time," Doofenshmirtz noted, leaning against a lamppost as he shielded his eyes from the light.

After the ensuing bedlam, the pair had escaped though the confused crowd back to the outside.

The night was pitch-black, the crescent moon floating above the city barely reflecting any of the sun's light.

"What time is it?"

Perry offered his wrist to the scientist, his communicator-clock displaying the time as three a.m.

"Your hand is small."

Perry looked up in surprise as Doofenshmirtz clasped his hand with his own and stepped closer.

"It's kinda cute, though."

Perry's heart thudded in his chest as the scientist leaned in close enough that, if he looked up from Perry's hand, their noses would be touching.

"You really laid into those guys, huh? Heh, y'know, you remind me of—"

At that moment, Doofenshmirtz finally met Perry's gaze.

Out of the darkness of the club, the scientist realized that the expressive, dark-brown eyes looked awfully familiar.

Too familiar.

"—Perry the Platypus?"

Not daring to look away, Perry reached into his pocket, retrieved his fedora, and slowly placed it on his head.

Doofenshmirtz's eyes darted up at the hat, then back down to Perry's eyes, confirming what he'd discovered.

Perry shifted nervously as a look of dawning comprehension flitted across the older man's face.

"You mean this whole time—"

Doofenshmirtz's face suddenly paled.

In alarm, Perry began to reach out with his free hand, but Doofenshmirtz released him and quickly began sprinting down the block into the darkness.

Perry raced after him, unsure of what he was going to say when he caught him, but—-wait a second, what had he just seen in that trash bin?

Backtracking a few yards, Perry stopped at the trash bin where Doofenshmirtz had practically crawled inside.

The retching noises coming from within caused Perry to flinch, but at least now he knew the reason behind the cut-and-run.

Occasionally patting the man's back as means of comforting, Perry looked out into the night as he waited for the worst to be over.

A distinct lack of sound and movement from Doofenshmirtz soon brought Perry back from his thoughts. Concerned, Perry pulled the limp scientist up from the trash bin.

Great, he'd passed out.

Hefting Doofenshmirtz onto his shoulder, Perry began walking to his hovercar. Luckily, he'd been able to park it just a block away from the club.

Strapping his nemesis into the passenger seat, he could've sworn he heard a mutter of "Perry" from his charge.

Perry smiled as he maneuvered the hovercar into the sky and directed it  
towards the familiar purple skyscraper.

There was a fair chance that Doofenshmirtz wouldn't be able to remember most of the night.

But Perry would.


End file.
